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When women jump on the conlcusion!

52 things you would love to say out loud at work - and may probably have!!

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

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My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.

I went yesterday. Holy Crap, she’s beautiful and unbelievably sexy!

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

Now that’s sexist, I know, but is still funny.

A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan.spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’”

DJ: “. You are corrent, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sens?”
Caller: “Goan f**k yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “96FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff”

DJ: "Jeff, what’s your word?"
Caller: "Smee…. spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ’smee’."

DJ: "… You are correct, Jeff, ’smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

Have you ever looked at some one your own age and thought

" I’m glad I don’t look that old"

My name is Mary Lamb, and I was sitting in my new dentists waiting room.

I read all his diplomas, which were hung on the wall, and thought I recognized his name.

Suddenly I remembered a tall, stylish, dark haired boy, who had been in my class at school, about 30 years earlier.

I wondered if this could be the same boy on whom I had had such a huge crush, but as soon as I saw him, I realized it could not be the same boy.

This half bald, wrinkly, gray haired man was far too old to have been in the same class as me.

After I had my treatment, my curiousity gained the better of me, and I asked him if he had gone to Bellahouston Academy.

" Yes, I did" he replied.

"When did you graduate ?" I asked him.

"1978" was his reply.

" You were in my class" I exclaimed.

He came closer to me - this ugly, short grey haired, wrinkly faced man, and asked me -

" What did you teach ?"

As gas prices rise so do the jokes about this unfortunate phenomenon..

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Believe it or not, these are REAL U.S. 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .

Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Two recent court cases, have earned the attention of newspaper readers in South Africa.

1. One person was fined R1.000 for not having a TV license.

2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder.

The moral of this South African story:

If you do not have a TV license and the inspector comes round, kill him. You’ll save R500.

…It’s the Right Thing To Do..

A Polish man moved to the Ireland and married a Cork girl. Although his English was Far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed in a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce For him.

The lawyer said getting a divorce would Depend on the circumstances,and asked him The following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete

I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, how are your relations?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at pharmacy and put on Shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say:

"Polish Remover."